Music and Fear: you'd think there's no connection, unless you happen to study at a conservatory. Beauty of sound? love of music? care for expression? submergence of self in the art? instead, try daunting competition, relentless reminders about the "need" for perfection, and constant looming shadows of judgment, whether from within the school or from the professional world awaiting us outside.

When I was in music school, the jolt of fear surprised me at my first jury. Shaking hands impeded shifting and control of intonation on the violin. Afterwards, I was counselled to leave the department. But I persisted, and eventually emerged, five years later (I had to work my way through school and I had a double major, "just in case") as one of only two students in my year to win an audition. See? I can't help myself, even now; I must tell you how I won my way to the coveted pinnacle of all our music-school struggles, the Professional Career. So I'll add two caveats, in order of importance: my professional career resulted from a change in my playing brought about by a response from God to a prayer I uttered in my fourth year of study. And after several years of my professional career, I fell victim to my own fears and poor judgment, tried to quit music, and only after a great deal of pain and failure, returned to musical life. Every so often I rehearse these details to myself, hoping to avoid any similar mistake in my thinking.

The prevalent egotism fostered in students by the violin department at my music school didn't help: your identity was comprised of your performance. You're only as good as your latest performance, we were told. Sneering mention was made of those graduates who ended up "working for Sears Roebuck". If you failed, it was because you were lacking, as a person. Ingesting this atmosphere, I fell prey to fear. I forgot my love of the art, and I forgot to submerge myself in it, forgot to focus on the music instead of on my self, my fears, my technique, my teachers and fellow students. My hands shook, and all my technique went out the window, or wherever technique goes for a fright-stricken violinist.

A compassionate teacher told me about Inderal and Valium. Determined to pursue music, with the muddle of fear and love choking my heart, I tried them both. Valium worked for me, and with it I played well enough to play in master classes and recitals, solo as concertmaster, and win auditions. Years later--after I'd stopped practicing, tried to quit, been miserable, and been dragged back to music by God (who always works through love)--I could finally play without shaking, and without Valium.

Love is the only solution to fear, I guess.